


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,175 (Part III)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [55]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 09:10:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8527333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues…THE TERROR ON TATOOINE: Obi “Ben” Kenobi vs. “The Sith Formerly Known as Darth” Maul, in a battle to end all battles!
www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

TATOOINE – Day 1,175 (Part III):

The primitive cage door made out of bones melted away against the heat from Maul's lightsaber. He poked at me, just barely touching my chest with the tip of his red blade. Again and again, my skin sizzled, the smell of burning flesh making me gag. 

"Long time no see, Kenobi," Maul snarled at me.

"Just kill me quick, Maul. I'm not in the mood for your crap."

"You're not still sore about your lovely Duchess, are you?" He mocked me. 

"Don't you dare speak of her, you horned headed dick!" 

I longed to kill this man. 

"Now, now, Kenobi, let's not stoop to name calling. Besides," he grinned, exposing his corroded teeth, "I was merely holding you to your Jedi code of not forming attachments."

"Ah yes," I smiled back at him, "kind of like when I made sure you were no longer attached to your legs?”

"I can't blame you for that. I had just destroyed your Master, and you let your hate flow. You embraced the dark side in order to defeat me."

"I did no such thing. I was simply the superior dueler."

"Regardless," Maul said, stepping back out of my cell. "Walk with me." He then addressed the two Tuskens who had been standing guard over Boba and I. "If this bounty hunter clone moves, kill him."

I walked beside Maul as he led me down a long corridor of the cavern. "So where is Savage?" I asked. 

Hatred filled his eyes. "Palpatine murdered him."

"That's a shame," I said, pausing for a moment as Maul looked surprised. "I was hoping to kill him myself."

He gave me a halfhearted laugh. "I never tire of your wit, Kenobi."

We walked in silence for a few moments, when I finally asked, "Did you really think that you and Mace Windu could defeat Darth Vader?"

"You were there, watching us?!" He didn't wait for my answer. "I sensed something familiar, but I never would have guessed it was you. You know who this Vader person is, don't you?"

"All I know is that he's stronger than you. Were you hoping to destroy him and take your rightful place as Palpatine's lapdog?"

"Watch your tongue, Jedi!" He placed his hand on his saber. "The plan was to kill Vader, then Palpatine, and then Windu."

In the winding corridors we passed several Tuskens, they all bowed their heads to Maul. "So is this your plan now?" I asked. 

"What's that, Kenobi?"

"To become king of the cave dwelling Tuskens," I snickered. 

"Hardly. I was about to leave this dreadful planet. I found what I was looking for."

"Me?" I joked. 

"Ha!" Maul's laugh seemed genuine. "In these caverns I found a long hidden piece to the puzzle that will lead me to an ancient Sith Temple."

"Sounds exciting."

"Enough talk, we're here." Maul stopped in his tracks.

We stood in a large open area of the caverns. The only objects were enormous stalactites and stalagmites scattered throughout. "I believe this is yours," Maul said to me, holding my lightsaber in his open palm. 

Without missing a beat I Force pulled my saber to me and ignited it. Bringing the blade down, Maul ignited his and blocked it. He kicked me in the chest, the power from his artificial legs sent me flying back until I smashed into a stalagmite. 

I was shaking off my injuries and starting to stand as he pounced on me, twirling his double bladed saber. I dodged his lunges, falling back in the process. While I was on the ground he stole the opportunity to kick me in the jaw. My head swam and I saw stars, so many stars that I was practically leaping into hyperspace without the benefit of a ship. I used the Force to loosen the stalagmites above, and as they dropped I back flipped out of the way. Maul was quick enough to turn and slice through all the rocks, creating clouds of dust.

My chest throbbed. He had kicked me in the same location of the saber wounds he inflicted on me earlier. Feeling that I was already at a disadvantage, I quickly moved to stay on top on him. Maul had turned into a fighting machine. His powerful metallic legs and the speed at which he spun his blade overwhelmed me. Then my Jedi senses began to tingle. 

Behind my back, Maul was using the Force to levitate Windu's purple lightsaber to come at me. It flew all around, thrusting at me, while Maul did the same. I hadn't fought so many sabers at once since I was forced to teach General Grievous the lesson that it wasn't nice to play with sharp objects. 

"As you can no doubt see, my powers have greatly increased since our last meeting." Maul gloated. 

I was going to have to kill this jerk. There was no way Luke and I could stay on Tatooine if Maul knew I was here. Part of me was relieved. If I couldn’t destroy him I could finally leave this wasteland. And this time I would pick the planet, not Yoda. No more sand in all my crevices and twin suns that made my skin age twice as fast. Maybe I'd take Luke to Alderaan, like I had considered in the past. I could train him in the isolated mountains on the opposite side of the planet from Bail Organa. Luke and Leia could occasionally visit each other. Maybe one day their combined abilities would be so powerful that they could destroy Palpatine and Vader. 

Finding myself lost in thought, I did not immediately notice Maul's fist coming at me. But I was able to duck and catch his hand in mine. I crushed it, breaking several of his bones, but in the process I had dropped my saber. So with my other hand I knocked his saber down. I grabbed his throat and tried to choke the life out of him. He gripped my throat rather firmly with his intact hand. 

"I'm going to have to kill you now," I struggled to get the words out. 

"That's...not...Jedi...way..." Maul said hoarsely. 

"There are no more Jedi!" I smiled at him and felt his windpipe being crushed beneath my fingers, as his eyes bulged out of their sockets. 

"Kenobi! Get down!"

The voice was coming from behind me. I turned just in time to see Boba Fett leaning forward and launching his back missile at us. I had enough time to think, "No, you idiot!," before the cavern caved in on us. 

When the debris settled and I realized that I was still alive, I was unable to find my lightsaber. And even though I could not see Maul through the wall of rocks that lay between us, I could feel my one hand was still touching his neck. He was breathing, but I didn't have the leverage to continue to strangle him. Besides, I heard Boba making his way through the rubble, and in a few seconds I would be rescued. So I touched Maul's face, and instead of a mind trick I performed more of a meld with his mind. I didn't care if it came from a different franchise. 

Becoming one with his thoughts, I simply conveyed the message "Forget me.” Hopefully this would work. 

Boba found my saber as well as Windu's old one, and made quick work of the boulders, slicing through them like space butter. Grabbing my hand, he helped me up. 

"We need to get out of here quick before Maul sees me!" I said, taking my lightsaber back. 

Some of the corridors were partially collapsed, and unfortunately I found the corpse of Mor'du's female chief among the wreckage. A few Tuskens saw us standing over their leader's body and shrieked out some kind of battle cry. 

Now Boba and I ran towards the exit of the caverns, as pickaxe spears flew at us from all angles. We made it as far as the foyer, but were met by a wall of Tuskens. Boba's quick thinking cleared the area with his flame thrower. Once outside we were being chased by hundreds of Tuskens who all seemed to have an unlimited amount of spears to throw at us. 

From behind the giant space slug came our saving grace, the Slave I! It hovered a bit, then opened its hatch. I jumped as Boba jet packed his way to the ship. We were now safely aboard the ship, as spears continued to bounce off its hull. 

"Took you long enough, old timer," Han Solo said with a smirk. 

"How did you find us?" I asked. 

"Jabba the Hu..." Han started, but Boba Fett suddenly pushed past him and stormed up to the cockpit. 

"Move! I got this!" He screamed at Chewie, who refused to budge.


End file.
